lessons from the farmhouse: marriage

Today I'm going to continue my little series on a few lessons I've learned through life.

Since tomorrow is Valentine's Day, I decided today I would blog about lessons I've learned about marriage.

For a little backstory, Mr. Farmhouse and I were high school sweethearts.  We've been married now for almost 17 years. 

We've owned three homes together, we are raising three daughters, and we are still head over heels in love with each other.

I'm not claiming to be an expert, but I do know that it takes hard work to maintain a healthy marriage and I do feel like we've learned some important lessons through the years.

So here are five pieces of advice for keeping a strong marriage.

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1. Communicate, communicate, communicate

This might seem obvious, but trust me...it's not.

Listen first to understand what your spouse is saying and then talk.

Brené Brown talks about how our brains really crave "a closed loop" in situations, so we sometimes make up stories in our heads to fill in the gaps when we don't know all the details. 

You know that moment when someone doesn't acknowledge you in the grocery store and you think, "Oh no...did I do something to offend that person?" or "I wonder why she doesn't like me."?  

This is what Brown is talking about.  We don't like unresolved loops in our brain, so we make up stories to fill them in.  

And it happens in marriages ALL THE TIME.

So when something is bothering you...talk about it.

When you are unsure of the motive for your spouse's actions...talk about it.

Sit down and have real life conversation.

2. Be Present

This one goes hand-in-hand with number 1.

Put the phone away and be with your spouse.

Turn the television off and be with your spouse.

Carve out time in your day to be together.

When you are with your spouse, be fully there...not distracted by outside influences.

3. Find Out Your Spouse's Love Language

Here is a quiz you can take to find out your love language and the love language of your spouse.  TAKE QUIZ HERE

Dr. Gary Chapman has written many books on relationships and one of his books that affected our marriage the most is The Five Love Languages.  

This books talks about the fact that every human has his or her own love language.  When you figure out the language your spouse speaks, it gives you the ability to really pour love into that person in a way that he or she understands.

The five love languages are:

• acts of service
  
• words of affirmation
  
• physical touch
  
• quality time, and 
• gifts

When Mr. Farmhouse and I found out that his love language is quality time and mine is acts of service, this was a game-changer for us.

I learned that I needed to stop multi-tasking and trying to "get stuff done" and just sit down and BE with him.

He learned that doing the dishes or filling my car up with gas before I realize it's empty really fills my cup.

With that said -- I would encourage everybody to take the love language quiz because it is great for ALL relationships -- friendships, parent/child relationships, work relationships, and others!

4. Focus on intimacy

I'll make this short and sweet because I'm pretty sure my parents read my blog.

Ladies, even if your husband's primary love language is not "physical touch", he still craves physical touch.

Wives, commit to initiating an intimate encounter with your husband twice this week and see what happens. I promise, you'll be pleasantly surprised at what it does for your relationship OUTside of the bedroom.

Okay, moving on...

This next piece of advice might step on a few toes and I don't mean to do that, but I think it's a very important point to discuss.

5. Do not elevate your relationship with your children "above" your relationship with your spouse.

I know this is difficult to consider because, my goodness, those sweet babies are just our WORLD!  

But there will come a time in 18-20 years, when those babies will grow up and move out.  

During this season of the "empty nest", I've known so many couples who feel as if they don't know their spouses without the kids in the house.

Serve your spouse in front of your kids. 

Put his or her needs in front of your own needs. 

Schedule monthly date nights...just the two of you! 

Take trips (after COVID)!

Sit on the porch together after the kids are in bed.

Love your kids well WITH your spouse.

Back each other up!  Our kids have known from a very young age that if one of us says "no", the other parent will say "no".  There's no reason to even ask.  This is not to say they haven't tried!  

Your relationship with your spouse will serve as a model for them as they build relationships when they get older.  Give them a healthy marriage to watch & model in their formative years.

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I hope these five pieces of advice were helpful for you.

What would you add to my list?

Spending this cold, cold day inside with the family here at the farmhouse,
Hannah

​❤️?❤️