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Today I'm going to continue my little series on a few lessons I've learned through life.
Since tomorrow is Valentine's Day, I decided today I would blog about lessons I've learned about marriage. For a little backstory, Mr. Farmhouse and I were high school sweethearts. We've been married now for almost 17 years. We've owned three homes together, we are raising three daughters, and we are still head over heels in love with each other. I'm not claiming to be an expert, but I do know that it takes hard work to maintain a healthy marriage and I do feel like we've learned some important lessons through the years. So here are five pieces of advice for keeping a strong marriage.
1. Communicate, communicate, communicate
This might seem obvious, but trust me...it's not. Listen first to understand what your spouse is saying and then talk. Brené Brown talks about how our brains really crave "a closed loop" in situations, so we sometimes make up stories in our heads to fill in the gaps when we don't know all the details. You know that moment when someone doesn't acknowledge you in the grocery store and you think, "Oh no...did I do something to offend that person?" or "I wonder why she doesn't like me."? This is what Brown is talking about. We don't like unresolved loops in our brain, so we make up stories to fill them in. And it happens in marriages ALL THE TIME. So when something is bothering you...talk about it. When you are unsure of the motive for your spouse's actions...talk about it. Sit down and have real life conversation. 2. Be Present This one goes hand-in-hand with number 1. Put the phone away and be with your spouse. Turn the television off and be with your spouse. Carve out time in your day to be together. When you are with your spouse, be fully there...not distracted by outside influences. 3. Find Out Your Spouse's Love Language Here is a quiz you can take to find out your love language and the love language of your spouse. TAKE QUIZ HERE
When Mr. Farmhouse and I found out that his love language is quality time and mine is acts of service, this was a game-changer for us.
I learned that I needed to stop multi-tasking and trying to "get stuff done" and just sit down and BE with him. He learned that doing the dishes or filling my car up with gas before I realize it's empty really fills my cup. With that said -- I would encourage everybody to take the love language quiz because it is great for ALL relationships -- friendships, parent/child relationships, work relationships, and others! 4. Focus on intimacy I'll make this short and sweet because I'm pretty sure my parents read my blog. Ladies, even if your husband's primary love language is not "physical touch", he still craves physical touch. Wives, commit to initiating an intimate encounter with your husband twice this week and see what happens. I promise, you'll be pleasantly surprised at what it does for your relationship OUTside of the bedroom. Okay, moving on... This next piece of advice might step on a few toes and I don't mean to do that, but I think it's a very important point to discuss. 5. Do not elevate your relationship with your children "above" your relationship with your spouse. I know this is difficult to consider because, my goodness, those sweet babies are just our WORLD! But there will come a time in 18-20 years, when those babies will grow up and move out. During this season of the "empty nest", I've known so many couples who feel as if they don't know their spouses without the kids in the house. Serve your spouse in front of your kids. Put his or her needs in front of your own needs. Schedule monthly date nights...just the two of you! Take trips (after COVID)! Sit on the porch together after the kids are in bed. Love your kids well WITH your spouse. Back each other up! Our kids have known from a very young age that if one of us says "no", the other parent will say "no". There's no reason to even ask. This is not to say they haven't tried! Your relationship with your spouse will serve as a model for them as they build relationships when they get older. Give them a healthy marriage to watch & model in their formative years.
I hope these five pieces of advice were helpful for you.
What would you add to my list? Spending this cold, cold day inside with the family here at the farmhouse, Hannah ❤️?❤️
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The book is basically an introduction to the five love languages and ways to tune into your spouse's love languages to love him or her better.
The profile assessment that you can take to learn about your love language overwhelmingly confirmed that my number one love language is acts of service. I like to do. To serve. To fix. Mr. Farmhouse's languages, however, are quality time and physical touch. Of course. Opposites attract, right? So over time, I have started to become more intentional with my time spent with Mr. Farmhouse and the girls. I'm working on "speaking his love language" more, to strengthen our marriage and to be a good example to our children. One of my lifelong bestie's main love languages is gifting. She is so thoughtful. She thinks of gifts months in advance. She is always on the look-out for a good gift that the people in her life would "just love". My mom is the same way. I'm more of a "grab a gift card at Dollar General twelve minutes before the party" kind of girl, myself. (Anyone else?) However, the farmhouse has been a great opportunity for me to appreciate the thoughtfulness behind those who have the "gift of gift".
What a humbling experience it has been to have our friends and family wrap us up during the (somewhat lengthly) transition we made from our familiar home of eleven years to our dear farmhouse.
God has been teaching me a lot about quality time and the importance of physical touch over the last few years. He's been teaching me about the importance of sacrificing my comfort and agenda and how to work more on putting other people before myself...mainly my dear husband. And now...He is teaching me about showing love through giving gifts. I'm trying hard to look deep into those I love to find out more about the love languages that speak most clearly to them. I'm a work in progress. ❤️ ? ❤️
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